tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65099230438664362972024-02-20T05:09:29.751-08:00My InboxHarleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05961902662313327103noreply@blogger.comBlogger18125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6509923043866436297.post-9421266899034517012010-01-17T14:25:00.003-08:002010-01-17T14:25:58.332-08:00ArthritisA little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. <br />
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' <br />
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'Harleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05961902662313327103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6509923043866436297.post-88752035674300507892010-01-17T14:25:00.001-08:002010-01-17T14:25:23.450-08:00Hot MammaMorris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. <br />
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. <br />
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' <br />
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''<br />
<br />
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'Harleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05961902662313327103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6509923043866436297.post-12478763380769309662010-01-17T14:24:00.001-08:002010-01-17T14:24:44.845-08:00So Am IThree old guys are out walking. <br />
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' <br />
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'<br />
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'Harleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05961902662313327103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6509923043866436297.post-85450132127029366012010-01-17T14:23:00.001-08:002010-01-17T14:23:51.569-08:00Getting MarriedA senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: <br />
'So I hear you're getting married?' <br />
'Yep!' <br />
'Do I know her?' <br />
'Nope!' <br />
'This woman, is she good looking?' <br />
'Not really.' <br />
'Is she a good cook?' <br />
'Naw, she can't cook too well.' <br />
'Does she have lots of money?' <br />
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' <br />
'Well, then, is she good in bed?' <br />
'I don't know....' <br />
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'<br />
<br />
'Because she can still drive!'Harleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05961902662313327103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6509923043866436297.post-8542637640658977372010-01-17T14:22:00.001-08:002010-01-17T14:22:38.086-08:00BreakfastCouple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember .. <br />
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. <br />
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' <br />
'Sure..' <br />
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. <br />
'No, I can remember it.' <br />
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so not to forget it?' <br />
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' <br />
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. <br />
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' <br />
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.<br />
<br />
'Where's my toast ?'Harleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05961902662313327103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6509923043866436297.post-79758366250144382742010-01-17T14:21:00.003-08:002010-01-17T14:21:58.499-08:00RulesHospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. <br />
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. <br />
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.<br />
<br />
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'Harleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05961902662313327103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6509923043866436297.post-76967790306602492622010-01-17T14:21:00.001-08:002010-01-17T14:21:18.963-08:00RoseAn elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. <br />
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.' <br />
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' <br />
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? <br />
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.' <br />
'Do you mean a rose?'<br />
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'Harleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05961902662313327103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6509923043866436297.post-57954145148534992892010-01-17T14:20:00.001-08:002010-01-17T14:20:39.001-08:00The Retirement CenterTwo elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' <br />
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' <br />
<br />
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'<br />
<br />
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'Harleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05961902662313327103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6509923043866436297.post-85182826397852384852010-01-17T14:19:00.003-08:002010-01-17T14:19:53.698-08:00An elderly gentleman....An elderly gentleman....<br />
<br />
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% <br />
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'<br />
<br />
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.<br />
<br />
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'Harleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05961902662313327103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6509923043866436297.post-67714716065019683072010-01-17T14:19:00.001-08:002010-01-17T14:19:01.273-08:00Garage DoorsGarage Door<br />
<br />
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. <br />
<br />
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'<br />
<br />
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?' <br />
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..Harleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05961902662313327103noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6509923043866436297.post-81522818219925285332009-12-11T07:24:00.001-08:002009-12-11T07:24:25.679-08:00Choosing a WifeChoosing a wife<br />
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A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.<br />
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The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.<br />
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The man was impressed.<br />
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The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.<br />
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Again, the man is impressed.<br />
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The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.<br />
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Obviously, the man was impressed.<br />
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The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.<br />
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Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.<br />
<br />
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Men are like that, you know.<br />
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And on another note!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
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There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.Harleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05961902662313327103noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6509923043866436297.post-58202986474524336952009-12-11T07:13:00.000-08:002009-12-11T07:13:57.151-08:00Exercise for people over 50<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"></span>Harleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05961902662313327103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6509923043866436297.post-90510008846540795202009-10-07T16:43:00.000-07:002009-10-07T16:43:55.518-07:00Concentrate on this Sentence <br />
'To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.' <br />
When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better. <br />
Concentrate on this sentence... <br />
'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you. <br />
There comes a point in your life when you realize:<br />
Who matters,<br />
Who never did,<br />
Who won't anymore...<br />
And who always will.<br />
So, don't worry about people from your past, <br />
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.Harleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05961902662313327103noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6509923043866436297.post-81943768579617716972009-10-06T07:26:00.000-07:002009-10-06T07:26:43.222-07:00Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light!<br />
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.<br />
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.<br />
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.<br />
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.<br />
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.<br />
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me<br />
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.<br />
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.<br />
9... I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.<br />
10.... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.<br />
11... NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning > medicine.<br />
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.<br />
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.<br />
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.<br />
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?<br />
16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!<br />
17... Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.<br />
18 . Procrastinate Now!<br />
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?<br />
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.<br />
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.<br />
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!<br />
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.<br />
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD. <br />
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.<br />
26... Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.<br />
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.<br />
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson<br />
29.... I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.<br />
Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!<br />
Life is too short and friends are too few!Harleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05961902662313327103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6509923043866436297.post-41655753788251975322009-09-30T16:10:00.000-07:002009-09-30T16:10:52.367-07:00Simplicity At Its Best!!SIMPLICITY AT IT'S BEST!!<br />
This is from an article in the St. Petersburg Times newspaper on Sunday. The Business Section asked readers for ideas on : "How Would You Fix the Economy?" I think this guy nailed it! Dear Mr. President, Please find below my suggestion for fixing America 's economy. Instead of giving billions of dollars to companies that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan: There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them $1>> million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations: <br />
<br />
1) They MUST retire. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed. <br />
2) They MUST buy a new American CAR. Forty million cars ordered. Auto Industry fixed. <br />
3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage. Housing Crisis fixed. <br />
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It can't get any easier than that!<br />
P.S. If more money is needed, have all members in Congress and their constituents pay their taxes... Mr. President, while you're at it, make congress retire on Social Security and Medicare. I'll bet both programs would be fixed pronto! If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know. If not, please disregard and...... <br />
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WOW!!!! Seriously, I think this would work!!!Harleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05961902662313327103noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6509923043866436297.post-69431879703477741592009-09-30T16:02:00.000-07:002009-09-30T16:02:18.109-07:00Need a Nap?I JUST NEED A NAP <br />
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home, and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall, and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is, and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon, your dog comes to my house for a nap. The next day, he arrived for his nap with a different note pinned to his collar 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'Harleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05961902662313327103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6509923043866436297.post-81679352533932530012009-09-30T15:54:00.000-07:002009-09-30T15:54:38.119-07:00Perfect PoemI was shocked, confused, bewildered<br />
as I entered Heaven's door,<br />
Not by the beauty of it all<br />
nor the lights or its decor<br />
But it was the folks in Heaven<br />
who made me sputter and gasp<br />
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,<br />
the alcoholics and the trash.<br />
There stood the kid from seventh grade <br />
who swiped my lunch money twice.<br />
Next to him was my old neighbor <br />
who never said anything nice..<br />
Herb, who I always thought<br />
was rotting away in hell<br />
was sitting pretty on cloud nine<br />
and looking incredibly well. <br />
I nudged Jesus, "what's the deal?<br />
I would love to hear Your take. <br />
How'd all these sinners get up here? <br />
God must've made some mistake.<br />
And why is everyone so quiet,<br />
so somber, give me a clue."<br />
"Hush, child" He said, "they're all in shock.<br />
No one thought they'd be seeing you." <br />
JUDGE NOT! <br />
Going to church doesn't<br />
make you a Christian any more <br />
than standing in your garage<br />
makes you a car.<br />
Every saint has a PAST...<br />
Every sinner has a FUTURE!Harleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05961902662313327103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6509923043866436297.post-33469626811336008652009-09-30T15:44:00.000-07:002009-09-30T15:44:15.765-07:00<strong><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Alright, this is just to share some of the crazy emails I get almost on a daily basis. Some are funny, some are religous, and some are just the truth. Instead of flooding everybody elses email I'm going to be posting them on here. Enjoy, lol!!</span></strong><br />
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<strong><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Harley</span></strong>Harleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05961902662313327103noreply@blogger.com1